I feel sad. I know I shouldn’t but it’s just something I can’t help.

Ramadan is almost over. People are talking about Eid already! My friends’ status updates are asking about Eid plans, scholars with Facebook pages are posting up notes on the Sunnah acts to do Eid, how to give the Fitr charity and Eid prayer arrangements in their localities. The night of the 27th of Ramadan has just gone by too. The question now is, will we have Eid after thirty fasts or twenty-nine?

I know it might seem weird for me to be making an issue out of this. And Eid’s a joyous occasion, isn’t it, meant to celebrate and be grateful that we witnessed Ramadan? You might even think I was “faking piety” by making a wistful expression and pretending I just want Ramadan to stay forever. But that isn’t true… it really is a sad feeling and I do  have a wistful expression but it’s because Ramadan’s leaving and I feel like grabbing on to it, to spend just a few days more in its blessed presence.

Ramadan brings so many blessings, so much opportunity for soul-searching and “Aha!” moments where life starts making more sense. I sit there watching the live Taraweeh telecast from Makkah, listening to the Qur’an being recited, reflecting on the Words of Allah(swt) and sometimes, everything about this worldly life becomes clear. What do I need to become a better person? This, this and this. Who should be my sole focus and priority? Allah(Swt) of course! But it’s Ramadan and it’s beautiful, moving moments that make it all look so simple. Once Ramadan is over and the focus begins to be eroded away to some extent, despite the strongest intention to not let that happen, things don’t seem all that clear anymore. Issues become complex again, bad habits become harder to shake off and you realize how valuable Ramadan really was!

I want to preserve the Ramadan feeling, even if I take away just one positive thing from the experience of this month. I want to read the Qur’an more, Insha’Allah. I’ve realized that to stay on the right path and work on my weaknesses, there is only one sure-shot way of not losing sight of the goal – make the Qur’an my sole guide and best friend. The stronger I’m attached to the Word of Allah, close to it, by reading it, reciting it with Tajweed, listening to recitations and eventually, Insha’Allah, to explanations (Tafaseer), the easier it’ll be to continue making positive changes. I’m a human and full of all sorts of shortcomings and the only cure for those is the healing and guiding power of the Qur’an, bi-itnillah.

In doing all this, I just want to stay connected with Allah(swt) and not forget that this life is, after all, something between me and Him. I’ll be accountable to Him alone for all that I did here and that’s why my life needs to be oriented towards Him in every possible way I can. People and places… all these keep changing over time and while they have their own roles to play in our lives, the destination and why we’re headed that way, shouldn’t ever be forgotten. That, to me, is what this Ramadan has been about: refocus myself, subjugate my ego and love Allah(swt) as He should be loved – with obedience and longing. Sheikh Suhaib Webb summed it up in a recent talk, which really touched me… he said, “We have to learn to live for something besides ourselves.” Yes, indeed… may Allah make it easy for us to be obedient to Him and love Him as He deserves to be loved! Ameen.

And every year, in Ramadan, I feel guilty that I don’t spend it like I should. I don’t read the Qur’an enough, I don’t attend Taraweeh (but that’s more because of fewer opportunities) but then, I don’t pray at home as much either. My dua’s don’t measure up to how they should be. At the end of the month, right before Eid, I feel a sense of loss… especially the night before Eid. It’s the kind of feeling you get when you know you’ve not given something or someone respect or care according to their true value… and there’s no time left to make amends. The one to lose out is none other than myself.

The truth is, it’s impossible to ever do enough – to be perfect – when it comes to any act of worship, including Ramadan. You can try to excel and go beyond your previous milestone but to be able to give it its full due… never. And that’s what makes us want to strive. And that’s also what makes people like me feel guilty for not putting in the kind of effort that we are, at least, capable of.

There are always diversions and excuses. I’m getting married next month, Insha’Allah. Few distractions measure up to what that is capable of. Happiness and anticipating something positively is good but it’s really hard to keep my focus on the bigger things in life… the goal of life, especially when this precious month is upon me and I do not know if I shall live to see it again. That’s the difficult bit… trying to keep everything in perspective while enjoying life too. But that’s the test too, and I think that’s one of the tests set for me right now: how do I thank Him for what He has blessed me with?

That’s how tests sometimes come… we think they’d be straightforward like, “Did I say ‘thank you’ or feel grateful to Allah(Swt) for this that He has given me?” Instead, the test could be like… am I thinking more about my wedding than I am about Allah(Swt)? The question is a tough one because it’s not just about “Thank you Allah, for what you have blessed me with” but about the need to actually prove it. How much time do I spend reading the Qur’an and how much is spent shopping for the wedding? Am I planning my wedding day for long periods of time without giving a thought to planning for the Akhirah?

The kind of people Allah(swt) wants us to be… are the kind who strike a balance and give each aspect of life it’s rightful role. I can and should be excited for my wedding and be planning things out but not more than I need to remember Allah(swt) and love Him, obey Him and value the precious month he has let me live to see this year. How do I force myself to limit the daydreaming about all the joy ahead and remind myself that I shouldn’t waste time? That’s the real test. And it’s very tough because the heart is a weak, fragile thing that keeps flitting from one thing to the next… especially in matters like love and marriage.

These are just some of the things that keep playing over and over in my mind as I watch the days go by and feel guilty. Insha’Allah, thinking about this and writing it down helps make me make more sense of what I am doing and to try and make the most of the days ahead. And of course, I have a lot to say on this ahead… so stay tuned.

So since it’s just a few days to go before Ramadan, I wanted to make sure I got through the major tasks that need doing. A “to-do” list that has been lying pretty much unheeded for a while can be irritating as it is, without the added guilt from not having ticked it all off before Ramadan began. So, it’s enough with the finger-pointing, blame game, and xyz lame excuse to finally get started on it.

In the next few days, I plan to…

• clear out all my laundry so I don’t have to think too much about that when the Holy month begins
• reorganize my Qur’an and Islamic books so that I have easy access to what I want, when I want it
• reorganize my wardrobe so it’s neat and tidy while also selecting what needs to be given away
• complete my tasks and assignments online, that I have committed to

*sigh* I feel guilty for not making up my plan a little earlier but regret wastes time and doesn’t help in any way… it’s important to utilize what time there is and get a move on! First stop, the laundry…

Ramadan’s right around the corner and I’m getting the “it’s Ramadan already?!” feeling. I grew up hearing “time flies” but now, it just feels like someone’s hit the accelerator. Seriously though, I love the feeling of Ramadan approaching. It brings back all those memories when we’d wake up in the cold winter nights of  Saudi Arabia and groggily take meals of minced meat, parathas and then huddle before the heater to pray Fajr. The days were short and the nights long. At night, I’d go to sleep with the sound of the Qur’an recitation from nearby masajid being so soothing and a reminder of how it was a special month.

So today, living in Pakistan, Ramadan is different but it’s still got it’s own particular feel that grows on you, even if you’ve been used to experiencing Ramadan in the Middle East. I like, for instance, the general sense of purpose and calm that accompanies the month. Sure, nothing magically becomes perfect overnight but there’s a spirit of goodwill and giving that’s more noticeable. Plus, the idea of giving less emphasis to food… yes, less emphasis. And I have to admit a very small percentage might actually be doing this but since it’s something we do in our home, it’s become part of the Ramadan culture for me.

Giving less importance to food itself is one of the things that has come to make me cherish Ramadan. I was always a chubby kid but lately, I’ve become a ‘fitness freak’, in some ways. It’s been a gradual change but a definite shift in lifestyle and eating habits. That’s why, when Ramadan rolls around, I actually look forward to how this month will also help me experience healthy eating and living on the minimum – and enjoying it! And for the past couple of years, my family actually ends up losing some weight during Ramadan rather than gaining it because of the healthy eating habits we’ve moved to.

It’s generally Iftaar that’s the focus of unhealthy eating so I’ll start here. A lot of people take Iftaar as a kind of snack time, not as a “meal” itself so they’ll gorge on all kinds of snack foods (including all the deep fried fare) and then settle down for dinner too after Maghrib or Ish’aa/Taraweeh. Having both meals, Iftaar and dinner, be heavy is not a healthy thing at all… it’s basically like eating one after the other without there being any need for it. In my home, we have a light, balanced Iftaar. Here’s what we each go for on a general day in Ramadan:

• dates
• two helpings of fruit salad (made without cream)
• one fried snack (one samosa or a couple of pakoras or one spring roll)
• sandwiches (one slice of bread folded in half)
• juice (fresh or instant orange drink)
• a cup of tea after Maghrib with a slice of toasted bread

Some days, we skip on the fried item totally or replace it with a yoghurt-based dish like dahee baray or even cut down on the above list to add a rice or meat dish. There’s no “dinner” per se but, if there’s some fruit salad left over, or a sandwich, we snack on that later. My father sometimes takes a light snack after Taraweeh, such as a glass of juice or half a sandwich but that’s it. And the benefits are that soon after Iftaar, all the liquids we consumed settle down and there’s a really light feeling that remains, which is really good to pray Ish’aa and Taraweeh with ease. Not feeling full or laden with unhealthy and heavy foods not only feels great but it’s obviously good for the body, which thrives better on being fed what’s required rather than piling it on!

A lot of people take Ramadan to be a time of eating, eating and only eating. I’m not even touching on the religious aspect of that and even then, it’s something that’s not right. Having things in moderation is always best. And healthy eating doesn’t mean you miss out on your favorite Ramadan foods but to want to have them all, every single day in Ramadan… that’s the problem. And when you hear people complaining about how Ramadan reduces their productivity or that their eating patterns are disturbed, or even that it’s difficult to pray Ish’aa after Iftaar, the root of the problem is probably in their eating pattern. If you’re going to load up your tummy with several different heavy foods, fluids and sometimes “dinner” right after Maghrib too, let’s face it, it’s your habits that are fault.

Ramadan, in recent years, has actually become a time where my family feels more active and efficient in subtle ways. A few days into Ramadan, when the body has adjusted to the new diet pattern, it becomes evident that living light has so many benefits. Taking the focus off of food is liberating in other ways too… and it’s nice to see the kitchen quiet and tidy most of the day. The over all benefit, health wise, is that we say farewell to Ramadan as more fit individuals, rejuvenated and with a general feeling of wellbeing and productivity. We also begin to appreciate Ramadan for teaching us so many good things, not just about our spiritual selves (controlling the nafs) but about becoming a better, healthier, happier person. If that isn’t something to rejoice about, what is?

People grow and continue to evolve because, try as you might, you cannot stay the same way forever. Age and experience take you a long way and not just across time but so much changes, sometimes, that when you look into your past, you wonder if you really were that person once? For me, Between Dusk and Dawn has been a great experience but I also realize that to move on to newer blogging, based on thoughts and ideas that I have today, needs a fresh platform that has a broader theme to it. I want to write more frequently and on more personal themes, sometimes even every day events that carry significance with me and so, I’ve moved here. I’ve also imported all my previous posts with comments so that this new blog doesn’t look too new and the archive’s all here.

It’s still the same person… but four years on from when I started Between Dusk and Dawn (and six years on from my first blog on Blogger.com), this is where I want to be and where I see myself writing for a long time ahead, Insha’Allah. Alongside, I also want to resume writing for Muslim Matters because it’s been a couple of months since I posted anything there. Sometimes, I wonder if the whole point of blogging is just a wasteful activity. Why would anyone want to read my personal thoughts and opinions? Then, I realize that, even if no one were to read it, writing here is still helpful for me and helps me make sense of a lot of things that, otherwise, just go jumble jumble in my mind. Besides, when I go around the internet and catch something interesting to read, like a deeply inspirational blog post on Muslim Matters or SuhaibWebb.com, there’s a chance someone else might be able to relate to what I write too. And sometimes, that simple feeling of knowing someone else feels or thinks in a similar way, gives a kind of joy and satisfaction that buoys you up. And thus, I shall keep writing… Insha’Allah.

Every time I wonder how Allah(swt) has been so gracious on me that I cannot even imagine being able to thank Him for a fraction of what He has given me… I find myself blessed with much more than before.

Very recently, Allah(swt) set my heart at ease in all the ways that only He could. He responded to my dua’s so beautifully that I still cannot comprehend something so amazing and so nice could ever be mine to experience and cherish. It gave me one more reason to submit before His Will, even if I do not understand the wisdom behind a certain happening, because He’ll always guide me only to what is the best outcome.

What I am talking about here, right now, is marriage. I’m not married yet but I finally know who it’s going to be, Insha’Allah… and, even if it was humanly possible to say all the right words to thank Allah(swt) for this tremendous blessing, I’d still be unable to do so. Truly, Alhumdulillah is the most I can say… nothing more could ever do justice to how I feel about this.

It isn’t possible to say much, even on my personal blog, but I will share some of my thoughts, that I’ve been wanting to…

In this whole journey towards finding the ‘right one’, with all the up’s and down’s that only life’s most valuable and tender aspects are accompanied by, there was nothing more powerful than dua… praying earnestly to Allah(swt) for what I wanted. It seemed difficult… very difficult… and at times, I found myself doubting more than believing… but He responded, and when He did… everything made perfect sense.

Honestly, all the apprehension, the worrying for who it will be, where he’ll come from, what the family would be like, whether or not we’ll get along, how things will proceed… that became meaningless when Allah(swt) lifted the veil, ending all the mystery in one stroke. F (as he shall be known on this blog) and his family are all and more than I’d ever imagined… Alhumdulillah. =) Now, it seems as if every moment I had spent worrying about a future I had no control over, was indeed spent in futility. But perhaps… this realization that Allah(swt) will only do what is best for me, was only possible once I had known a time when I worried all I could and it didn’t change anything. That’s a realization that allows me to accept the ‘wasted moments’ too as part of the bigger learning process.

Then, there’s also the whole question of what’s really right for me. For years, I had a certain kind of image in mind of whom I’d like to marry. With that image, I felt I was looking for all the right things and that would ensure a happy union. Instead, I learned that just because I had build up that image with all the ‘good’ qualities I knew, that didn’t necessarily mean they had to come together in that way for me to find real joy. Even I didn’t know what would really bring me satisfaction and happiness in all the different aspects of married life. So, when the ‘right one’ came along and he was really nice but quite different from what I had initially imagined him to be, I prayed to Allah(swt) for guidance… and put my trust in Him. If He had brought me to this point, without any glaring reason to say ‘no’ (and of course, many reasons to say ‘yes’), this must be the best for me, without a doubt. Preconceived notions thus become meaningless and it’s taught me to always pray for the best, and not stick, inflexibly, to what I think is right for me.

Lastly… but most importantly… I have only just begun to understand why there is so much emphasis on marriage in Islam. According to one Hadith, getting married is ‘completing half your Deen’. I now begin to see why the Prophet(pbuh) said that about marriage. Even though I’m only engaged right now, I have suddenly started to notice things about my personality, my weakness, all the areas I need to improve on in my worship, that I was’t focusing on earlier. I don’t mean to imply that it’s only being engaged or married that makes you think along these lines, but it is such a big turning point in life that it makes you pause, reflect and try to fix things before the bigger challenges ahead. I try to read up all I can, to learn, to improve myself and to know how to avoid pitfalls many people find themselves in when starting out in a new relationship. Here too, I’m blessed with sisters in Islam who inspire me through their experiences and advice on how two imperfect human beings can still learn to lead a happily married life. =) Alhumdulillah.

I can go on about this… but later, Insha’Allah. The difficult part was figuring out how to write all this… and since that’s done, I can look forward to sharing much more… soon, Insha’Allah. =) I end this post with the sincere dua that may Allah(swt) grant the singles amongst us, spouses that will please them and be the best for them, for this world and the next. Ameen. My dua is also for Allah(swt) to make you happy the way He has made me happy… ameen… and all this is according to what He Knows is the best for us, at the best time and in the best way. Your dua’s would be very kind and valuable… JazaakAllahu khayran katheera. =)

When I first began to ease off the regular kind of music, which I was very, very, very much into, I was surprised to discover there were many Muslims who were actually producing simple songs and poetry, while staying within what was permissible in Islam. I don’t intend to go into the fiqh details here on the position of music in Islam and what is, or isn’t allowed. What I learned, though, and tried to adopt for myself was that there shouldn’t be ‘string instruments’ used and of course, it should be good poetry. I remember there was this very popular Indian song from the movie ‘Taal’ that actually contained incredibly blasphemous lyrics that we all hummed or sang without giving a second thought to it. Sometimes, I’d just skip on that part but still, the song would go on…

At first, it wasn’t easy moving away from the titillating melodies I was so addicted to. I admit, one Ramadan, there were many nights I would fall asleep with the earphones plugged in and woke for Suhoor to the the same sounds. The reason I say it now is to show how deep I was into it, yet, today… Alhumdulillah, I am not. And that shows nothing is difficult or impossible to imagine, if you really want to do it for Allah(swt)… and He takes you through. Sure, it isn’t that easy to begin with… the first step was pretty hard. I loved some of the songs, their lyrics and how they made me forget everything else and disappear into another world… but, there was something wrong with that picture. And I learned that only after I discovered there was something much, much higher than that… more satisfying, peace-giving… over-and-beyond more precious than all I had ever experienced with Sting or Bryan Adams’ melodies.

There were several nasheeds that I discovered over time, in both Arabic and English. The ones I love the most are the Arabic ones, almost all of them by Sharjah-based Ahmed Bukhatir, the younger brother of the widely known Qari Salah Bukhatir. The reason I love his nasheeds, despite them being in a language that I just understand to get by, is because of the beauty of that language. His poetry is very full of meaning and thought-provoking, in fact, I like it even better than his own English nasheeds. And this is what shouldn’t be forgotten – that the reason behind a person listening to such poetry isn’t to ‘pass time’ or just entertain themselves… it’s the message that’s important. What was the point of leaving the other kind of music then if one is still looking for a ‘pass time’, although with a kind of ‘Halal’ label?

I know, in some ways, nasheeds still aren’t the best alternative and many people point out flaws in them too. However, they’re definitely worlds apart, even diametrically opposite, to much of what today’s generation calls ‘music’ and goes gaga over. I try to remind myself why I listen to nasheeds in the first place (this blog post is a reminder too) and also that I shouldn’t get so involved that they become like ‘background music’ that I cannot go without. And the most important thing is that, however nice the nasheed be in terms of the poetry it contains, it cannot, and never should be allowed to, take the place of the Qur’an in the heart. This is something I personally see as a struggle and an issue, which makes me refrain from listening to new singers or popular groups so that there’s less to be distracted by.

As far as the outcome goes… I can’t describe the difference between how I used to feel when I was deep into music, and how I’ve felt and still feel ever since I gave it up some years ago. I definitely wouldn’t blame music for all the personal issues I had back then, but it definitely wasn’t helping and the peace I feel today, the tranquility within, that I always sought to seek with music but never attained… it’s priceless and I wouldn’t give it up for the world. Sometimes, people look at me as if pitying me for not being able to listen to music, but they don’t know how I willfully gave it up and, if I do get to hear a favorite from yesteryear playing somewhere, it barely registers as more than a distant memory. Yes, I might miss the odd lyric or so… and hum it to myself  for a few moments if it pops up in my mind… but to go back to it when I am so much better without it (even if we were to leave aside the ruling on music for a second) is just not what I want. And I thank Allah(swt) for allowing me to experience a higher standard of existence… a happier life, within and around myself too… where I derive joy from all the simple things that remind me of Him and the highest example. Alhumdulillah.

I’ll end by sharing what I have just been listening to…

A translation can never do justice to Arabic poetry but here it is…

“Longing runs through the veins
Love of giving is the best trait
Be generous and you will live gracefully
And will find happiness in the after world
Be generous and noble
These are among the finest attributes
And let not shadow sway you from light
Be patient if the end nears
Life is dear, however dearer
Is the blessing of Almighty Allah
Life is only a mirage
And this is one of the obvious situations
Do not hold it dear, and
Ensure it has no place in your heart
Soar gracefully like a full moon
And reflect light everywhere
And let wise advice adorn your sayings
For this is the best you can offer
Stay away from the impudent, and
Avoid gazing at women’s charms
Cheap is the unveiled beauty, and
Cheaper are the remaining covered parts
With faith comes the real truth, and
Save yourself the embarrassment
Adhere to true faith, and
Treasure it deep at heart
Be a man of defiance, and
Refrain from spreading secrets…”

(Ethereal Melodies, the title of this post, was also the name of my first blog, back in 2005.)

It’s windy here in Karachi tonight and as I sit here in my room, sipping hot milk and taking a short break from the books, my thoughts gently drift from one idea to another. It’s quiet and peaceful in my room and, after a fun and busy afternoon with my sister’s friends coming over, it’s nice to have some alone time.

The rest of my family is in my parents’ room, watching some light comedy show on TV. It makes me smile thinking of them all together, enjoying themselves. That’s because I know there’s contentment and love there. It makes me feel relaxed too, knowing that I can retreat to my room and study with a heart that’s at peace. Life has its ups and downs, for each one of us, and I know cracks and fissures can appear in the strongest of relationships. That’s why, I cherish these moments of comfortable companionship even more… knowing how trying it can be when things go sour, when people are hurt or wouldn’t talk to each other.

There’s so much to learn from watching other people, especially close family, and how they interact with each other. I’m the eldest daughter so I’ve naturally been witness to many incidents, scenes and changes in people around me and not just my own parents. I’ve been through times where things seemed difficult and didn’t make sense either. Why did she do that? Why did he have to say it that way? Then, over time, things started to fall into place. Childish notions of what ‘relationships’ meant were replaced by a different understanding – that each human being has some weaknesses, and that’s fine. It’s impossible to expect people to be perfect. Rather, the reality is that there are amazing people, each with their own particular shortcomings, but that doesn’t mean they’re failures in any way.

As I grow older, I learn something new everyday. I learn how families really function and that sometimes, real love and compassion lies in doing something that’s much different from idealistic expressions. I learn how keeping your mouth shut for five minutes can not only save you from a lot of trouble and embarrassment later, but can earn you much respect in the eyes of others. I learn how the darkest of times upon a family, upon two people who’re committed to each other, can turn into happiness and a real solid relationship that no one could even have imagined possible. It’s about holding onto patience and sincerely wishing to make things better, and if Allah Wills, it does get better… better than better.

I also learn little things from the many mistakes I make daily. When I talk to my sisters,  make a sarcastic comment, or hurt their feelings in anyway… the remorse after that and the pinching of my conscience shows where I was wrong. Sometimes, someone might need me for a minute or two and if I’m too busy in something I feel is more important (but which really isn’t)… it’s my loss in the end because what that person needed, was my love and attention. If I couldn’t give her that, what more could I ever possibly give that could compensate for that? Showering people with gifts is nice but if they know deep inside, you’re not a sincere person, it hardly means anything to them. Instead, make someone a cake or a cup of coffee or tea when you’re really busy and they really need it… that’s love. And that’ll leave it’s mark for sure.

Sigh… it’s either the effect of this hot milk I just drank or the light breeze coming in through the window… or maybe a tender moment fleeting across my soul… that these and so many other such thoughts have come to mind. Maybe it’s the satisfaction that I’m surrounded by people who do love me, just because they’re related to me by blood, and who do put up with my weaknesses and still like spending time with me. Maybe it’s the joy I find in their company, that I just want to express before it’s too late, before I never get another chance. Just today, my father got late coming back from his morning walk and, for an hour or so, I was worried to the point that I really just wanted to see him again and let him know how much he means to me. Alhumdulillah, he got back safe and, after giving him a “scolding” for not taking his cellphone, I did give him a hug too to let him know how much I missed him. Awkward as it may seem sometimes, it’s even more important to seize the moment while it’s there and not have to look back with any regrets later, Insha’Allah.

It’s getting late and I must put in some studying before I sleep. But wait a second… I just checked Facebook and my sister’s status update made this whole post even more relevant. You see, it was her birthday today and here’s what she wrote…

I have the Best friends and the Best family! Alhamdolillah! I mean they sent me off to Sunday Bazaar, snuck into my room, decorated it, blew up balloons, made a huge card, got a cake, gifts, a flower bouquet, a basket of chocolates!!, made pizza, cookies, cheese balls, gulab jamun and more AND almost gave me heart attack when I got home!!! No one would ever do this except out of love! ♥ So Thank you so so much! You made this a truly memorable and wonderful Birthday! There is really nothing I want except a bunch of loving and caring people!

Need I say anything more? ♥ Alhumdulillah! ♥

It’s really part of those simple joys of life I treasure… and for that, I’m so grateful I’ve got a father who pushes his kids into such healthy activities. Every once in a while, usually before going to bed, we decide our morning plan and it goes like this: Abba wakes us for Fajr, announces we must be ready to roll by the time he’s back from the masjid (twenty to thirty minutes). Following that announcement, we offer our prayers and quickly changing into casual dress and joggers. Of course, there’s the occasional kid (usually Abeer, the “cookie-monster“) who puts up the “I don’t want to go, I want to sleep/I’ve had a long week/I have exams soon!”  excuse but she’s soon won over. Sometimes, my mother’s the one most reluctant to leave but we all know she’s the happiest one in the car (no need to worry about breakfast!).

So by the time Abba’s back and the sun is beginning to peek over the horizon, we’ve got our plastic plates, cups, trays, water-cooler etc. all ready and it’s into the car. I always wonder what the security guards at our apartment gates wonder – it’s not a usual thing in Karachi for family to just go off on a trip at sunrise! But really, when there’s a fresh walk to look forward too, then breakfast in the car, who thinks twice about looking odd?

The stylish gazebo in the center of the park

There’s a nice park in our area of the city and it’s usually well maintained. In the spring, they have an annual flower show too, plus a bonsai garden to admire, lots of landscaping and greenery… and of course, a walking track! It’s really interesting to see the different kinds of people who are regulars at the park: businessmen and other elite, in groups, discussing politics or the market trends; ladies, young and old, some with ipods plugged in, others simply carrying rosary beads and doing dhikr; sometimes families with little children, enjoying a refreshing walk or playing on the swings; young men exercising or jogging several laps around the park.

Everything looks and feels so fresh that it’s hard not to feel completely rejuvenated after the monotonous routine of the preceding week. Plus, there’s that precious time with my family that I know I’ll look back at and miss terribly. Walking together, all sorts of crazy topics come up and of course, there’s always the charm of annoying, and being annoyed by, your sisters! A nudge here, a shove there, laughter, playful banter, teasing… there’s no substitute for it. And sometimes, during moments of silence, I do wonder how long I have this awesome chance to stay with them, us being all together like this? You forget time waits for no one and this will definitely come to a close one day, to move on a new place, a new life, changing scenery. Of course, Insha’Allah, that will have its own joys and wonders but what I have now, I must not forget to cherish it while it is still here.

Okay, enough with the emotion! So after two laps, we’re usually looking in the direction of the gates. But Abba likes to do a few stretches before we leave so I usually find a few quiet moments to myself on a park bench while my sisters go silly over the see-saws. Yeah, you’re wondering why I don’t go over to the see-saws myself! Well, I don’t think it would be quite acceptable for a twenty-four-year-old to be seen toppling over a see-saw… no, thank you. Heheh.

Back in the car, there’s a commotion over where to go. The what to eat part is known to all – that’s the reason we all got out of our beds in the first place! A desi style breakfast of crispy parathas, spicy omelette, sooji ka halwa (a semolina dessert) and of course – doodh patti (traditional, strong tea). And the best place to find all of this is the typical road-side dhaaba – a very humble outdoor eatery that usually caters to people from lower socioeconomic backgrounds. The food is simple, low-cost (in keeping with the customers) and very delicious, especially if you know where to go! What they lack in fine dining-ware is more than made up by the crispy deliciousness of their parathas, especially when had with curry or the halwa… and definitely when dunked in the piping hot tea!

We have ours in the car, on our laps, with protective newspapers and trays underneath. Munching away happily while the birds twitter around outside, is such an awesome feeling, Alhumdulillah. It’s hardly eight in the morning and we’re having a mouth-watering breakfast to jump-start the day. Soon, the cups have been drained (six in all – my father always has two!), the leftover parathas wrapped up in newspaper, the bill paid (costs as much as a KFC burger deal – for one person!) and it’s back to home.

Honestly, I’ve seen these breakfast plans do wonders for my family. Instead of sleeping after Fajr and waking up to a boring Sunday, we get a chance to get out and have fun together, even before the sun has begun to climb up the sky. That time we spend together, catching up, swapping stories and then eating together in the car, is worth missing out on an hour or two of sleep any Sunday! And I wonder about families that grow apart over the years, people hardly talking to each other, or not knowing what to do together, they would benefit so much from such simple activities. You don’t need to throw away lots of money on a club membership. You don’t need to somehow grab scraps of time to do something altogether. Rather, if you’re really motivated, you can find joy in the simplest of moments… go grab them while you can!

Note: I’ve got final exams starting next week but I’ll try to keep writing whenever I can, Insha’Allah. It’s all part of wanting to not miss out on relaxing activities like writing and sharing thoughts, as they come to mind. Plus, my sister thinks my blog is too ‘boring’… heh, which doesn’t bother me but yeah, writing more frequently will make sure people get to hear about all sorts of things – deep thought as well as light-hearted musings. Life is too short and time too precious to be wasted so make a dua for me and see you later, Insha’Allah.

The ways in which Allah(swt) tests me are strange indeed.

I’m now expected to go off on a tragic account of how terrible those tests are… but no, I shall not. That’s because, if there’s anything that these tests have really taught me, it’s that they’re not, by any means, without purpose.

Every bump in the road, every mountain of hope that’s turned to dust within seconds, has molded me into a stronger, wiser human being. They say it’s like purifying gold – only when the nuggets melt in the tough conditions of fire, do they let go of their impurities and become truly priceless in their worth. It was difficult but it was necessary to bring out the best from within, grow and achieve strengths you couldn’t imagine having before.

But how can I be talking of strength when the only feelings that overwhelm a person, on being severely tested, are of pain and intense weakness? To be hurt, crushed, rejected, repulsed, refused, denied… how does that have anything to do with strength? But it does, and that’s what time shows you… shows me… has showed me. Every time I faced a situation where I felt I was breaking apart deep within, I was in fact learning to face pain and fight it. In the moments and days that followed the initial blow, courage replaced fear and reason, born of faith, fortified the broken spirit. Standing up again needed learning how to stand, all over again, and all that revision did pay off. I learned how to stand up again faster, with more confidence.

It may sound odd that I blog about test and trials a lot but that is because my life is going through all sorts of changes these days. At my age, so much is changing on the personal level, on the academic level and in so many other less-well-defined ways that deep thought and reflection is almost a must. And I write about it, whatever I can, to have some thoughts clearly laid out… and also so that perhaps someone reading this blog may derive benefit for their own selves too, Insha’Allah.

I wish it were easy… that life was clear and defined. That there were no tests at all and we lived a life of total ease and bliss. But indeed, our tests also remind us that this life is only a mirage and the next life is the one really worth striving for. It takes a clever, yet simple person to see that these very tests we see as wrecking our lives, if understood right and responded to positively, may ultimately bring us closer the real life of eternal joy… and isn’t that what we have always wanted anyway?

And I’ll wrap this short post with an amazing Hadith I read today – it’s a Qudsi Hadith I’d never heard of before. Here it is…

Allah(swt) said: ‘Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by being inflicted with poverty, and were I to enrich him, it would surely corrupt him.

Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by wealth and affluence, and were I to deprive him, it would surely corrupt him.

Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by good health, and were I to make him sick, it would surely corrupt him.

Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by disease and illness, and were I to make him healthy, it would surely corrupt him.

Verily, from amongst My slaves is he who seeks worship by a certain act but I prevent that from him so that self-amazement does not enter his heart.

Certainly, I run the affairs of My slaves by My Knowledge of what is in their hearts. Certainly, I am the All-Knower, All-Aware.‘”  [Tabarani]